On this 8 March, lay down your burdens

If we don’t let go, we carry everything we ever held. Is it any wonder that we are tired?

March 07, 2023

Women carry so much. We carry babies and all for whom we care. We carry others’ secrets so that they don’t walk alone. We carry grudges and olive branches and dishes that bring people together. As change-makers, we carry the weight of the world on our shoulders. We carry, with their sharp edges, countless awkward moments that could have splintered had we not stepped in. We carry dreams. Extra pounds. Traditions. Regret. We hold unresolved emotion. Tension. Space.

“What do women hold? The home and the family. And the children and the food. The friendships. The work. The work of the world. And the work of being human. The memories. And the troubles. And the sorrows and the triumphs. And the love.” – Maira Kalman

If we don’t let go, we carry everything we ever held. Is it any wonder that we are tired?

I am astounded by the impact women are creating while carrying burdens that would justify complete inaction. The vision, hope, tenacity, courage, and resilience of female change-makers in my life inspire me daily. Today, I want to address your top 5 burdens in the hope that you can walk on lighter, even if just a little. 

1. Caretaking. One of my friends has resigned elected office because she was expected to solely carry the burden of overnight childcare during parliamentary sessions. Before she left, she tabled legislation that would make such expenses as legitimate as covered parking or drinks with constituents. Another friend, same issue, half a world away: in a jurisdiction where childcare is a reimbursable expense. She is drafting legislation that would shift the expenditure code for childcare from a personally attributable one to an overhead expense. That is because female public officials are much more likely to claim childcare, making them appear to deliver less value for money than their male counterparts. Universal childcare is what female change-makers are demanding around the world. And flexibility. 

   “Many women don’t want to compromise their families in ways associated with the old ways of being in executive roles.” – Sonia, State Government (Australia).

   With The Wife Drought, Annabel Crabb opened my eyes to the biggest gender disadvantage: a wife. This book is as funny as it is confronting through its meticoulsy research. I highly recommend it. As I do following Annabel’s ongoing work.

2. Pain. Too many women live in pain. Knees. Hips. Back. Neck. Arthritis. “Seems we should be cool with being in pain or we’re exaggerating it.” - Rachael (Australia).

   Rachel Zoffness’ work in chronic pain is game-changing and may forever alter your relationship to pain; her conversation with Ezra Klein of The New York Times is as relatable as it is insightful.

3. Doubt. Last week, a dear friend said, “Imposter syndrome seems to be a requirement of being a human woman,” and all the women in the room nodded. The very fact that you doubt your fit for the task means that you should not. Please, keep on. But let’s break this cycle in childhood.

   “Teach girls and women to take risks, giving them space to learn from failures. At least in the cultural mindset in the US, we tend to teach this to boys, while expecting perfection from our girls.” Dr. Liz Minné, Director, Global Sustainability, Interface.

4. Shame. Sadly, being misunderstood or trespassed leaves the victim blaming herself. Shame has no right to you. It only blocks the tap of goodness aimed at your life. Whatever your shame – if you have been assaulted, bullied, if you are queer, trans, undocumented, scared, surviving or even thriving while others did not get to – today, please consider sharing your load with somebody. A friend. A stranger. A helpline. A support community. Me. Shame shared is shame defanged. As it should be. I have found Brené Brown’s work on shame, doubt, vulnerability, and courage to be powerful. If you wonder how other extraordinary women have grappled with these, the memoirs of Viola Davis (Finding Me), Roxane Gay (Hunger: a Memoir of (My) Body), and Gabourey Sidibe (This Is Just My Face: Try Not to Stare) are in my top three.

5. Burnout. According to Drs. Nagoski’s Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle, burnout is “defined by three components: emotional exhaustion (the fatigue that comes from carrying too much, for too long); depersonalization (the depletion of empathy, carrying, and compassion); and decreased sense of accomplishment (an unconquerable sense of futility: feeling that nothing you do makes any difference.” Having ridden the burnout rollercoaster my whole life, I could not recommend this book, written by and for women, highly enough. 

Even if women have conquered the above — no small feat! — in time to enter what should be their most productive, rewarding years, here comes menopause! And, yet again, too many find themselves disoriented and battling the symptoms, misconceptions, and medical mismanagement. In fact, I know of too many women whose symptoms are minimized and cancer is, thus, misdiagnosed. Let’s learn together so that every woman retains the choice to fully show up for the life she’s earned! Here’s a great read/listen from The New York Times.

Carla Harris eloquently explains why one grows her power by giving it away. I dare add that you will grow your power by giving away what you no longer need to carry.

This International Women’s Day, I invite you to let go of at least one burden weighing you down. If you’d like, give it to me via email or book a call. 

Here is to all the women carrying so much, to each who refuses to carry excess, and to all of us making their remaining loads lighter. 

P.S. — I explore this in detail in my upcoming book, The Change-Maker’s Handbook.